Strange and Terrifying Visions from Moorhead, Minnesota

I received a strange and disturbing telephone call from a man known as Four Finger Frank, known as such because of a birth defect that saw him born without a pinkie finger and because his mother, presumably a devout Catholic woman, had bestowed upon him the moniker Francis.

Four Finger Frank was, at one time many decades ago, what we in the business of politics called a fixer. He sorted out problems and did it with a minimum of fuss. Situations ceased to be such when Four Finger took control. He buried the bodies and ensured the bones were never found and plenty of Democrats at all levels of politics owe him plenty and would be rather terrified if they were called upon to repay the debt. He was a popular man in his day and was highlighted in many address books of many well-to-do and well-known folks.

Frank once dined at the finest Washington restaurants and was invited to the most lavish New York parties but his type of business is not renowned for its longevity and after plenty of time on the sort he decided to give it all away for a life of rural simplicity. He needed the icy chill of a Midwestern winter morning, he said, an ability to “wake up and head down the road for a diner breakfast where I can read the newspaper in peace while the snow falls outside and the locals nod a knowing nod at you and ask about your wife and your fishing and your thoughts on the high school basketball team.”

So Four Finger Frank fled the corridors of power that he had lurked in for two decades and headed to a charming town outside of Moorhead, Minnesota where he has some nice acreage and plenty of time for the quiet life.

It all seemed reasonable enough even if it smacked, somewhat, of a man in the throes of a midlife crisis.

It is unusual for me to receive a phone call from Four Finger Frank as he prefers to correspond with his Brother 215 typewriter. This is election time, however, and time seems a little more constrained than it normally would, each minute desperately used as there will be no employ for it after the first Tuesday in November.

When my portable telephone dialled and I heard Four Finger Frank’s stern voice booming down the line, I knew things had to be serious, at least from his perspective. He had seemingly been on the telephone for the better part of twenty-four hours and was working his way through his thick address book looking for fellow political warriors to discuss The Game. He had televisions blaring news reports in the background and he was in a constant state of movement. He was wired on politics, binging like a depressed ex-junkie with nothing to do and nobody to see. Old habits die hard.

“Punt, I had the strangest dream; a vision really and a horrifying one at that. Sarah Palin blew Barack Obama’s head off. She just walked up to Obama, pulled a Smith & Wesson DA .22 LR revolver out and blew his head off like Sirhan did to Bobby back in ’68. Bang. Bang. Two shots. Back of the head. Palin just cackled and looked at The First Dude. This is our country now. They then jumped in a car and took off, Bonnie and Clyde in expensive clothing and fashionable glasses.”

For someone not prone to panic or hyperbole or strange off-kilter adventures, this was somewhat alarming.

“And the scary part is that the dream didn’t seem that far removed from reality. She is a simple-minded redneck who has little understanding of anything other than power. She wants it and she believes she is entitled to it and she will seemingly do anything to attain it. A simple act of firearm violence does not seem beyond her. She seems that unstable and that driven by such naked ambition.”

Being accustomed to both night terrors and intellectually-deficient female politicians, I could do nothing but sadly agree.

“I woke in a cold sweat screaming; absolutely sure that what I had just witnessed actually occurred. She is a scarier proposition than Eagleton and Agnew combined, if we are going to indulge in vice-presidential history. Hell, Aaron Burr killed a Founding Father while he was vice president and I consider him a less despicable human being than Sarah Palin.”

Four Finger Frank was right to be scared. We all should be. A woman bereft of talent, experience, savvy or any discernible skill that would be in anyway relevant to national public office is on the cusp of the presidency of the most authoritative nation on the face of the earth. She is only a low voter turnout and a heart-attack to a 72-year-old man away from the most powerful office in the world.

It is frightening, a downright terrifying notion that a woman who has no grasp of anything outside her own wardrobe, who has had a passport for less than a year, who claimed foreign policy experience by the simple fact Russia is located near Alaska, who once tried to run the local librarian out-of-town when she wore the mayoral robes because the librarian refused to engage in a sickening program of censorship, who calls her husband the First Dude, who ignorantly compared a man by the popular Hispanic name of Tito to one of the Jackson Five and who has made a habit of using her positions of power to settle personal vendettas is currently in the throes- the defining personality- of a presidential election.

It will only be the grace of God and the sensibilities of American citizens that will save us all.

The fact she is on the scene at all, however, is a dark mark on John McCain and the Republican Party and a vocal and idiotic fundamentalist minority who see her either as a folksy anti-establishment champion or a soldier of dictatorial Christianity. She is the hero to a dark underbelly of American life, one that prizes simplicity because it makes the recipient seem smart, requiring not competence or experience or potential or skill from their political leaders but a reflection of themselves. At no point in the last half-century of American politics has a less qualified or more fear-inducing candidate been at the forefront of a national election. Not Nixon, as he was intelligent, a liberal in conservative clothing, who only became an anti-hero at the end. Not Reagan as for all his bluster he managed to unify America and the world because he was a natural leader of men. Not Bush junior because for all his failings he is nothing more than a tool of the Republican machine and will always be held to whatever position the party powerbrokers want. Not Goldwater as like Bush he would have been held in check by the party. Not Humphrey. Not Wallace. Not Carter. Not anyone.

We can all, however, take comfort in the polls and the betting that suggests Barack Obama will win the Presidential election with some ease next Tuesday. The smart money has been on Obama for some time and those with generous colleagues are happy to take 1.15 on him claiming the presidency. I certainly am. The real focus is on the margin of victory and it would probably be wise to bet Obama to win 380+ electoral votes and get over 53% of the popular vote. This is going to be a landslide, bar some form of disaster over the next few days.

In the end it was McCain’s choice of Palin that cost him any chance at the presidency, a position he has coveted his entire life. In selecting Palin as his running mate, McCain was shown to be as cheap and untrustworthy as an old time snake oil salesman. The majority of the electorate has seen through McCain’s populist attempts to dupe the electorate with a hideously underqualified and callous running mate. McCain wanted folksy but instead of drawing a Bill Clinton or a Jimmy Carter he found a vile redneck woman from the dark recesses of Alaska chosen only because of her vagina, her looks and the hoped-for appeal she would have among women and working class America. Very few could have faith in a man who chose to run with such an inept sidekick.

McCain wanted to be seen as a maverick rather than the seventy-two-year old man that he actually is and it ruined any hopes he had for the White House as well as tarnishing any legacy he may have hoped to leave. He will be viewed by history as a cheap political whore whose judgement was anything but presidential. He will also be remembered as the man who made the name Sarah Palin known and very few of us would want that handcuffed to our reputation.

To discuss this article on our forums, click here.

© 2008 PuntingAce.Com